Elusive

Who can tell me why I just feeling guilty when I try to use Chinese here? When can I be comfort to write in Chinese again? When I can free myself in English? I 've been caught in between the two languages, and at last, will I lose in both ? Serious headache, struggling with language, with thoughts. Headache. Headache. Headache. Does philosophy really can help ? Or will chocolate do better ? Finished 'Before Sunset' last night, I cant catch up the subtitles with the lines. My listening is bad and even worse in speaking.Writing is the worst. My writing is boring and I am bored. BalaBalaBalaba!! And i just continue to do so. I learnt a word in a book, 'the secret power of beauty', which I used as the title. I like the word as it can used to describe almost everything that are now living in my mind.